Rethinking Tolerance: Valuing People Over Ideas
By Mike Williams
Have you ever found it difficult to accept someone’s beliefs, behaviors, or values—especially when they feel fundamentally different from your own?
Many of us grow up believing tolerance means “putting up with” others or staying neutral in the face of disagreement. But what if there’s a more authentic way to approach difference—one that helps us strengthen relationships, deepen connection, and move toward true understanding?
Moving Beyond “Putting Up With”
At Palisades Counseling, we often work with individuals navigating relationship challenges—whether with a partner, a family member, or a colleague. One common thread we see is the struggle to remain connected in the face of difference.
We’ve all encountered definitions of tolerance like:
- Enduring someone’s differences
- Trying to be neutral or objective
- Rejecting prejudice
- Fully accepting everyone, no matter what
While each of these ideas holds some truth, they can also lead to frustration or disconnection. If we’re simply enduring another person, resentment can grow. If we strive for complete objectivity, we might disconnect from our own values or ignore our emotional reactions. And if we believe we must accept everything about a person—including harmful behavior—we may struggle to set and maintain healthy boundaries.
A More Grounded Definition of Tolerance
Drawing from the philosophy of Emmanuel Levinas, we invite a different approach:
True tolerance means valuing a person’s humanity more than any belief or idea—ours or theirs.
Before forming judgments or conclusions about someone, we can start by honoring their dignity. This mindset reminds us to see people as complex individuals, not just as representatives of a particular ideology or identity.
Why This Matters in Therapy—and Life
In therapy, this kind of tolerance helps create safety and connection. It allows us to set aside debates about who’s “right” and instead focus on healing, curiosity, and compassion. Here’s how this shows up:
Healing Relationships
When we value the person more than the idea, we can repair emotional distance and shift from defensiveness to understanding.
Self-Compassion
We learn to extend the same grace to ourselves—acknowledging our own contradictions and complexities without judgment.
Healthy Boundaries
Valuing someone doesn’t mean condoning harmful behavior. It means we can set clear boundaries while still holding space for care and respect.
Less Anxiety, More Peace
Letting go of the need to categorize others as “right” or “wrong” can ease internal tension and make space for openness.
A Practice for Everyday Life
Try this:
- Think of someone you find difficult to “tolerate”—a relative, co-worker, or even a part of yourself.
- Take a breath and gently separate the person from their beliefs or behavior.
- Remind yourself: Their humanity is bigger than any one idea.
- Get curious: What life experiences might have shaped their perspective? What emotion might be underneath?
- Choose how to engage: You don’t have to agree or accept harmful actions. But you can respond from a place of respect and clarity.
Final Thoughts
At its core, therapy is about connection—both with ourselves and with others. When we shift our definition of tolerance from “putting up with” differences to genuinely valuing people, we create space for growth, empathy, and healing.
If you’re ready to explore this kind of deeper connection in your own life or relationships, our therapists are here to walk alongside you.