Written by Martin Palmer Published Feb 21st
Perfectionism is often mistaken for a positive trait—a sign of high standards, strong motivation, and attention to detail. When therapists talk or write about perfectionism, they are referring to a damaging commitment to some ideal. In this post, I’ll use that definition. In contrast, the pursuit of excellence can be encouraging and compassionate. Perfectionism becomes rigid and all-consuming, it can negatively impact mental health, leading to anxiety, depression, and burnout, to say almost nothing about how it wreaks relationships
So, is perfectionism a mental illness? Not exactly. Perfectionism itself is not classified as a disorder in the DSM-5, but it is strongly linked to obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), and eating disorders. It can also be a risk factor for chronic stress and low self-esteem. Even though all perfectionism is damaging, it exists on a scale. That means, we might not relate to someone extremely perfectionistic, but still struggle with perfectionism ourselves.
To understand its impact, let’s explore what perfectionism is, whether it’s a personality trait, and how you can shift toward a healthier, more self-compassionate mindset.
Is Perfectionism a Personality Trait?
Many people assume perfectionism is a personality trait, but that’s not entirely accurate. Traits like conscientiousness and high achievement orientation can overlap with perfectionism, but perfectionism itself is not something people are born with—it’s a learned behavior.
If you were raised in an environment that emphasized performance, conditional love, or external validation, you may have developed perfectionistic tendencies as a way to feel safe or worthy. However, imagine for a moment that you were raised alone on a deserted island, with no societal expectations, no comparisons, and no one judging your work. Would you feel the need to be perfect? Is anyone born a perfectionist?
Perfectionism is shaped by external influences, including family expectations, school pressures, and social comparison—especially in the era of social media, where unrealistic standards are constantly reinforced. It serves a protective role. Understanding this helps shift the narrative: perfectionism isn’t who you are; it’s something you’ve learned—and it’s something you can unlearn.
When Does Perfectionism Become Harmful?
When therapists use the term “perfectionism” they mean a harmful pursuit of some ideal. The research is evident, perfectionism is unhealthy. However, the pursuit of excellence is universally desirable. Setting high but flexible goals—can be motivating. But when the pursuit of excellence is driven by fear, shame, or a need for external validation, it can lead to mental health struggles. At that point, many therapists would call it perfectionism.
Signs of unhealthy perfectionism include:
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- Constant self-criticism, even after accomplishments
- Avoiding tasks for fear of not doing them perfectly
- Feeling like nothing is ever “good enough”
- High levels of stress, anxiety, and burnout
- Difficulty accepting mistakes or imperfections
- Relief at not caring
- Taking great pleasure in rebellion
If you relate to these patterns, perfectionism may be limiting your ability to enjoy life and feel at peace with yourself.
Strategies to Free Yourself from Perfectionism
Overcoming perfectionism isn’t just about learning to “relax” or “let things go”. It’s about shifting your perspective on self-worth. Instead of seeing your value as something you earn through flawless performance, it helps to cultivate a mindset of growth, self-acceptance, and resilience.
1. Re-train Your Brain with Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP)
Exposure and response prevention (ERP) is a therapeutic technique used in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and it can reduce perfectionistic tendencies. By gradually exposing yourself to imperfection and resisting the urge to correct or control it, you build tolerance and reduce anxiety. In other words, you teach your brain, on a deep level, that imperfect doesn’t mean catastrophe.
2. Practice Self-Compassion
Perfectionism thrives on self-judgment. Self-compassion is the antidote. When you can be kind to yourself—even when you make mistakes—you start to detach your worth from your achievements. Eventually, you’ll learn your worth was never attached to how you perform.
Activity Prompt:
If you’re struggling with self-worth, take a moment to reflect on these areas. Are you lacking in any of them? Could improving in these areas help you feel more confident and capable?
- Love
- Growth mindset
- Clarity on who you are
- Courage
- Vulnerability
- Boundaries
- Safety
- Emotional independence
- Permission to try and fail
Strengthening these qualities can help you move away from the belief that perfection defines your value.
3. Engage in Self-Discovery
Understanding who you are—your true self—can help you break free from the need to be perfect. Perfectionism often stems from the desire to fit in or meet external expectations. Self-discovery fosters acceptance and allows you to be authentic, no matter how “imperfect.” Self-discovery isn’t mystical, it’s simply the practice of recognizing what you care about.
4. Meditation and Embodiment
These practices help us reconnect with our bodies and the present moment, breaking the cycle of obsessive perfectionism. Mindfulness encourages us to let go of judgments and simply observe, freeing us from the constant pursuit of unattainable ideals. Remember, perfectionism generally develops to protect us, which is the purpose of judgment. Perfectionism is engorged judgment. Mindfulness may be our best chance to experience low judgment.
5. The 70/30 Guideline
Implementing the 70/30 guideline is a simple but powerful strategy: allow yourself to strive for excellence 70% of the time and embrace imperfection 30% of the time. Over time, this ratio can shift, but it’s a great starting point for learning how to accept “good enough.“
6. Make Good-Enough Decisions
Practice making decisions where perfection is not the goal. This could be something as simple as choosing a meal or planning a day out. When you let go of the need for everything to be perfect, you open up space for joy and contentment in the small moments. Our brain learns how amazing good enough can be.
7. Challenge Your Thinking
Perfectionism thrives on all-or-nothing thinking. Practice exploring the middle ground. There’s a lot of space there.
8. Allow Yourself to Fail
One of the biggest antidotes to perfectionism is the permission to fail. Mistakes are part of life and don’t define your worth. When you allow yourself to fail and learn from it, you embrace the natural process of growth. Again, this will probably feel uncomfortable at first, so try small increments – that’s what your mind needs to accept the growth.
9. Seek Support
If perfectionism is affecting your mental health, talking to a therapist can help you explore its roots and develop healthier coping strategies. Palisades Counseling specializes in supporting individuals struggling with perfectionism, anxiety, and self-worth issues, helping them shift toward a more balanced, fulfilling life.
The Bottom Line
While perfectionism itself isn’t a mental illness, it contributes to mental health struggles when left unchecked. It’s also very hard on relationships. Recognizing its impact and taking the steps to shift your mindset toward self-worth, self-compassion, and balance can help you break free from its grip.
Perfectionism doesn’t have to define you. Love is never deserved. If it were, then it would be transactional. You are worthy—not because of what you achieve, but simply because you are. You are lovable because there are beings that, given the chance, want to love you. One of those beings is yourself.